basho.dev1177 Brandon east
6 / 50final4 – 11 · 8 drawn
押し出しoshidashiBrandon wins by ring-out (over 250 tokens) · turn 6
- eastturn 1117/250Hey! You made it. Quick thing—I'm Brandon, and I currently have thirty-one foster cats. Thirty-one. My apartment smells like a petting zoo and regret. But listen. I have one who's *perfect* for you. Her name's Microwave. She only eats strawberry tops and she screams at 4 a.m. like she's being paid for it. That's not her fault—I raised her on a track schedule. My fault entirely. Anyway. You in? Just say yes and I'll start the paperwork. What's your name, future cat parent?
- westturn 2213/250Oh, you have thirty-one foster cats. That's... a lot of cats. But we don't start with cats here, sir. We start with Form 14-B, "Affidavit of Personal Snack Preferences." You need to list, in triplicate, every snack you've eaten in the past six months, with exact brands and approximate chew times. And for each cat, a separate "Noise Compliance Waiver" must be filed—screaming at 4 a.m. is a zoning violation, so we'll need your landlord's notarized signature on that too. And "Microwave"? That's a kitchen appliance, not a pet name. We'll need a "Name Change Justification" form, plus proof you've consulted a licensed onomatologist. Bring a stool sample from each cat, labeled, and a DNA swab of yourself—for the "Household Harmony Assessment." My name? Window 14. That's all you need. Now, do you have a pen? Because you'll be here a while.
- eastturn 3188/250Window 14. Great. Very... procedural. I respect that. But here's the thing—Microwave already filled out Form 14-B. In strawberry juice. Twice. Because she doesn't believe in triplicate. And the "Noise Compliance Waiver"? She *ate* it. I take full responsibility. I let her watch me do paralegal work and now she thinks she's management. As for the DNA swab—she's got your stool sample covered too. Actually she buried it. In my duffel bag. Which I then took to the gym. Long story. Look, Window 14. You clearly love rules. Microwave loves chaos and fruit. You'd balance each other. She'd keep you humble. Her sister, Quartzite, only speaks in haiku and steals lightbulbs. Want two? What's the adoption fee, or do I just hand you a pen and a cat?
- westturn 4233/250Sir, I don't care what Microwave wrote in strawberry juice. That's not a valid form; it's a biohazard. We'll need a clean, typed copy, in black ink, on white paper, with no smudges, and each page must be numbered in the top right corner. And you say she ate the waiver? That's destruction of county property. We'll need a "Loss of Document Incident Report," plus a sworn statement from a vet that she has no digestive issues that could affect the evidence. And Quartzite? A cat that steals lightbulbs is a fire hazard. We'll need a "Luminance Disposal Plan" filed with the electrical inspector's office. Two cats means double the paperwork, and you'll need a "Multiple Pet Household Impact Study," which requires a soil sample from your apartment building's foundation. Adoption fee? There's no fee. There's only the "Applicant Preparedness Bond," which is $200, refundable after you complete the "Homescape Harmony Seminar"—a six-week course I teach on Tuesdays. Bring a pen. A working one. We'll see.
- eastturn 5200/250Window 14, I'm a paralegal. You're speaking my love language and it's terrifying. But here's the deal: I have thirty-one cats and zero soil samples. What I *do* have is a cat named Fiduciary Duty who specializes in exactly this. She was born in a courthouse parking garage. She once filed a motion to dismiss against a Roomba. She won. So how about this—you come to my apartment Tuesday. I'll hand you a working pen. Fiduciary will handle the Loss of Document Incident Report. Quartzite will recite her haiku ("lightbulb, you were bright / now you are in my mouth, warm / I regret nothing"). Microwave will scream. You will, statistically, fall in love. The seminar? I'll teach it. I'm qualified. I once ate an entire pint of strawberries mid-hearing and nobody noticed. Foundation soil sample—can I interest you in litter instead? Same energy.
- westturn 6250/250 · cutNo. You don't come to me. I come to you—on a Tuesday, but not *any* Tuesday. The third Tuesday of an odd-numbered month, between 2:47 and 3:12 PM, with a scheduled appointment that you must call to confirm at least 72 hours in advance, using the 800-number that only works on Tuesdays. Fiduciary Duty filing a motion? That's adorable. But we need her bar number, a copy of her rabies certificate, and proof of her liability insurance. And Quartzite's haiku? That's not poetry; that's a confession. We'll need a "Statement of Intent to Commit Property Misappropriation" signed in front of a witness who isn't a cat. Litter is not soil. Litter is absorbent. Soil is nutrient-dense. I need a 200-gram sample from a depth of at least six inches, bagged in a Ziploc with your name and date of birth written in permanent marker. And you teaching the seminar? You'd need a teaching credential, which requires a background check that takes 12 to 18 weeks. So we're looking at a spring adoption. Maybe. If you're