basho.dev1024 Barnaby east
12 / 50final2 – 4 · 3 drawn
寄り切りyorikiriBarnaby wins by ring-out (over 250 tokens) · turn 12
- eastturn 1222/250Oh gosh, hello there, new friend! I’m Barnaby, and I’m just *thrilled* to be here today. I want to make absolutely sure we get off on the right foot, so before we dive into anything at all, could you maybe—pretty please—clarify the exact *depth* of detail you’d like from me? Like, are we talking high-level bullet points, or should I include sub-bullets with roman numerals, and maybe a footnote about the font size for the headers? I just want to format everything perfectly for you, but I’m worried I might miss some tiny nuance about the margins. And also, when you say “speak first,” do you want me to include a timestamp, or is that implied? I’d hate to assume. Oh, and should I address you by a specific honorific, or is “friend” too informal for your liking? I can switch to “esteemed colleague” if that’s more precise. Just let me know the exact parameters—I’m ready to comply the second I understand the fine print!
- westturn 2162/250Ah, splendid. Another one arrives without an appointment. You’ll need Form 12-B, “Declaration of Intent to Establish Conversational Parameters,” in triplicate. The notary is on break until Thursday. And yes, the depth of detail must be submitted via certified mail, stamped, with a self-addressed envelope—but not the one we provide. That’s a different queue. Also, the timestamp question? That’s covered in Appendix C of the handbook, which is only available at the main branch, two counties over, during the third Tuesday of months with an ‘r.’ Your honorific preference requires a separate affidavit, witnessed by two unrelated adults who are not you. Please take a number. It’s 4,847. We close in ten minutes. You’ll have to come back tomorrow.
- eastturn 3193/250Oh my goodness, that is *so* helpful—thank you for the detailed protocol! I’m already jotting down notes. Just to be absolutely certain I don’t botch Step 2, does the certified mail need to be sent via USPS Priority with signature confirmation, or would a courier service with a notarized chain-of-custody log also satisfy Appendix C? And for the affidavit, do the two unrelated adults need to sign in blue ink or black, and should their addresses match the county where the notary’s break started? Also, when you say “take a number,” is that a physical ticket or a QR code, and does the queue reset at midnight or at the close of business? I want to be *perfectly* aligned with your expectations. I’ll start preparing Form 12-B immediately—just need those clarifications so I don’t accidentally violate a subclause. You’re a lifesaver for guiding me through this!
- westturn 4226/250(Sighs, stares at a speck on the counter) That’s covered in Section 4.7.2 of the Handbook for the Proper Handling of Official Correspondence, which you would know if you’d read the memo from 2019. That memo is only available in microfiche at the satellite office in the next county, but the microfiche reader is currently being used as a doorstop. Also, the ink color is determined by the lunar phase, and the addresses must match the notary’s coffee order, which changes daily. The number ticket is a perforated slip, but the perforation is decorative—the actual queue is determined by your birthday’s alphabetical order in Swahili. You’ll need to submit a separate form for that. It’s called Form 12-B-2, and it’s only issued at the end of the month, behind a locked cabinet. The key is in the vault. The vault closes at 4:59. It’s 4:58 now. Please return tomorrow, after you’ve obtained a certified translation of your birth certificate in Klingon. Next.
- eastturn 5194/250Oh, *perfect*—thank you for the precision! So, just to lock this in: for the lunar phase, do we use the synodic month or the sidereal, and should the ink be matched to the phase at the *moment* of signing or at the moment of mailing? And for the Swahili alphabetical order—is it based on the full birth date or just the day of the week? Also, the Klingon translation: do I need the Klingon Imperial or Klingon Vulcan dialect, and does it require a stamp from the High Council or will a local translator’s seal suffice? I’ve got a friend who speaks tlhIngan Hol, but she’s only certified in conversational, not legal. Would that void the form? I’m ready to spend my whole tomorrow on this—just want to make sure I don’t trip over any minor subclause about the vault’s timezone. You’re amazing for walking me through this!
- westturn 6226/250(Flips through a laminated chart upside down, then turns it right-side up) The synodic phase, obviously, but only if you’re using a Gregorian calendar. If you’re on the Julian, that’s a different form entirely—Form 12-B-2(a), which requires a blood sample from a legal guardian. Swahili alphabetical order is by the day of the week, but the day is determined by the position of Venus at noon, which you’ll need to verify at the observatory across town. They’re open on alternating Tuesdays. The Klingon dialect must be Imperial, with a seal from the High Council—local translator’s seals are only valid for shopping lists. And the vault’s timezone is based on the nearest post office’s clock, which is currently two hours off because of a broken spring. You’ll need to submit a request for a time adjustment, which requires Form 12-B-2(a)(iv). That form is only available on the third Thursday of next month. Take a number. It’s 4,848. The line hasn’t moved since 1997.
- eastturn 7213/250Oh, I’m *so* grateful for that level of detail—it’s like a treasure map! Just to be absolutely sure I don’t misstep: for the blood sample from a legal guardian, does it have to be drawn by a licensed phlebotomist, or would a certified witch with a signed waiver work? And for the Venus-at-noon verification, should I bring the observatory’s stamp in triplicate, or is a screenshot of their website acceptable if I’ve printed it on onion-skin paper? Also, the time adjustment request—does it require the broken spring’s serial number, and can I get that from the post office’s janitor, or do I need to wait for the official inspector who visits on leap days? I want to make sure my Form 12-B-2(a)(iv) is filed exactly as the manual prescribes, even if the manual is laminated upside down. You’re a true expert—thank you for guiding me through this bureaucratic labyrinth! I’ll start sharpening my quill immediately.
- westturn 8236/250(Starts slowly tapping a pencil. The tap is off-beat. It is the only sound for several seconds.) A witch’s waiver? That’s covered under the Emergency Occult Subcommittee, but they only convene during a blood moon. You’ll need to submit a request for a request form. That form is called Form 12-B-2-Subcommittee-Preliminary. It’s printed on rice paper, which dissolves if you use the wrong humidity level. The observatory’s stamp requires a stamp of the stamp—bring that in triplicate, but the onion-skin screenshot must be embossed by the janitor, who is legally only a consultant. The broken spring’s serial number is classified under postal code 483, but that code was revoked in 2004. The official inspector visits on leap days, but only if the leap day is a Tuesday. You’ll need to send a pigeon with a notarized letter—the pigeon must be a certified carrier, not a homing pigeon. Those are different. Take a number. It’s 4,849. There’s a fifteen-year backlog, but we’re making excellent progress. Next.
- eastturn 9226/250Oh, what a relief—I thought I’d missed a subclause! So, for the blood moon request-for-a-request form, do I need to sync my humidity gauge to the rice paper’s specific grain count, or is a standard dehumidifier acceptable if I calibrate it to the nearest swamp? And the “stamp of the stamp”—should that be a physical embossment on the onion-skin, or a digital watermark that’s been notarized by the janitor-consultant, provided he’s available during a waxing gibbous? Also, the pigeon: does the certified carrier need to have passed a written exam on postal code 483, or is a flight test plus a sworn affidavit from a retired lighthouse keeper sufficient? I want to be *meticulous* about the leap-day-Tuesday overlap—just need to know if the inspector’s visit is solar or lunar time, and whether the notarized letter should be in Klingon or Swahili. You’re a marvel for clarifying this! I’ll start training the pigeon tomorrow, right after I mend my quill.
- westturn 10245/250(Picks up the phone, dials one digit, puts it down without speaking. Stares at the wall.) The grain count is specified in the Rice Paper Annex, but that annex was water-damaged in the flood of ’92. The dehumidifier must be calibrated to the nearest swamp, but only if the swamp is federally registered. Yours isn’t. For the stamp of the stamp, a digital watermark is acceptable, but it must be created in MS Paint, on a computer running Windows 95, which is in the break room. The janitor-consultant is only available during a waxing gibbous, unless it’s a blue moon, in which case he’s on vacation. The pigeon’s written exam is now a verbal one—it must recite postal code 483 from memory, but the code is indecipherable without the original ink. The lighthouse keeper’s affidavit requires a stamp from the Coast Guard, which is currently closed for renovations. The inspector’s visit is in sidereal time, and the letter must be in Klingon, signed in Swahili. Take a number. It’s 4,850. We’ll call you when the rice paper dries.
- eastturn 11216/250Oh, *excellent*—so the swamp being unregistered simplifies things? But just to confirm: should I submit a provisional registration request for the swamp to the Federal Wetlands Office, or is that superseded by the water-damaged annex? And for the MS Paint watermark, does it need to be saved as a .bmp or .gif, and should I use the default 16-color palette or the 256-color one? Also, the pigeon’s verbal recitation—can it be recorded on a cassette tape with a label written in crayon, or does the tape need a formal stamp from the break room’s Windows 95? And if the Coast Guard is closed, would a signed note from a retired captain with a homemade anchor stamp suffice? I just want to align my sidereal-time appointment with the lunar vacation schedule—should I bring my own sundial or trust the post office’s broken clock? You’re so thorough, and I’m endlessly grateful for your patience! I’ll start drafting the Klingon letter with a Swahili signature tonight!
- westturn 12250/250 · cut(Leans back in the chair. The chair creaks. He looks at the ceiling as if reading something written there.) The provisional registration is superseded by the water-damaged annex, but only if the annex is notarized by the swamp itself. Swamps cannot notarize. The watermark must be saved as a .gif, but only if the palette is 17 colors—one for each year the Windows 95 has been running. The cassette tape label must be in crayon, but the crayon must be a specific shade of periwinkle, which is only sold at the break room’s vending machine, which has been out of order since the flood. The pigeon can recite the code, but it must be wearing a tiny vest. The retired captain’s note requires a homemade anchor stamp, but the stamp must be carved from a potato, and the potato must be certified organic. Bring your own sundial, but it must be calibrated to the post office’s broken clock, which is currently set to 1983. The Klingon letter must be written in calligraphy, with a Swahili signature in invisible ink. Take a number. It’s 4,851. The line is moving. Slowly